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Have you ever imagined a life without the man/woman of your life with you? Have you ever imagined a world devoid of that beautiful face you see in your dreams and love to wake up to every day beside you in bed or dine with at that cute little cafe where you first met? Have you ever felt so insanely insecure… so afraid… so… lost… on things you feel you can’t control… Like that painfully endless void feeling you get when he/she is gone? That longing, yearning, nauseous feeling you get when you’ve stayed away from them for about a day or two but it feels like an eternity has passed?
I have been feeling so weird lately. I don’t understand it at all. Its the first time I have felt like this for anyone. I am not used to obsessively thinking about where my other half is, how he is doing, what he is doing, what he will do next. What he is thinking, what he is feeling, who he is with right now- wishing it was me instead, whether he is thinking about me when he is at work, or when he is chilling at home or out with his friends…
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What’s wrong with me? Is this normal? I just don’t understand it. And I hate it. I hate this slice of discomfort I get when I don’t feel him close to me, when his crisp masculine scent left off on a piece of clothing I have reminds me of that passed blissful moment shared together. Am I going mad or am I just madly in love? Are these the feelings I have to live with for the better future because I feel like I could kill myself with all these things weighing me down in my mind.
Quick sidetrack- I love my honest friends. They have a way of making the truth hit home even when its scathingly true. Maybe that’s why I appreciate them so much.
It didn’t come as too much of a surprise then when recently one of my good ol’ wise friend realized I had kinda blocked off a little and asked me about it, concerned at my social aloofness. When I explained what I was going through, he took a seat down and quite literally got real with me about my wide scope of insecurities as pertains to the man in my life. And as much as it wasn’t meant to bruise me, the truth hurt a little… The fact that I was very close to being “untrustworthy” with my boyfriend. That I was being completely selfish in my thinking. That I had to let him be in the same way he had let me be. That I just had to live my life and find a way to get over myself. To realize what I was staring at right in front of me in the mirror, could one day ruin the greatest thing I had ever found in my life if I let it fester inside me, eating me from the inside out and finally exploding in the worst possible way. I had to simply just do me. And let the rest of the world take care of itself. Somehow. Learn to believe in the reality of a beautiful relationship based on trust and genuineness… And true love (As Meh-ish and mushy as that sounds).
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So… I’mma do me… In spite of all these crazy thoughts that try and kick my ass right, left and centre… I’mma do me… And soon learn to move beyond this stupid yet very real insecurity.
The Life And Times of a Gay Student 