Forever?

Sometimes forever doesn’t really last forever. And sometimes, it really isn’t meant to. But we try anyway. To hold on to that one person we thought we would love unconditionally. Or to that object that once brought us indescribable amounts of joy. Or even that fleeting memory of a moment so sweetly soulful that you thought nothing could possibly come and taint it. I once was told that different people come at various points in your life to teach you something then flutter away like a leaf falling from a tree. I believe that that is the same for certain things we think are special or even memories we so badly want to keep but end up hurting us in the end. We must learn the hard way, the sad way, the painful way… the real-life way. Forever isn’t always. Not always. Sometimes. But not always.

I’ll Be Leaving Soon… (Chapter Two)

It had been the best three months I had spent focused on one man. I couldn’t understand the hold he had on me. It felt so real, so genuine, so… beautiful. And yet the stone cold truth, the obvious pink elephant in the room still stomped its way through my mind now and again. He was leaving in a few weeks.

I felt like I had such a short time with him left. Where had all the moments gone? Where were all the minutes that ticked by so fast being thrown away to? I’d feel this small pain in the pit of my stomach at the thought of being alone again. I didn’t want to be alone again, to have to search for new love again. I knew I wouldn’t find something like this. Already I was sure , in the short amount of time I had known him, that I wanted to spend my future with him. Yet, he had never shown a reflection of my sentiments… I wasn’t sure he even felt the same way. Did he? Did he feel for me the way I felt for him? I badly wanted him to. So badly. To care. To love. To want me like I wanted him. Afraid of being hurt, I played along with the casual. The usual. The normal. I fought to keep my feelings inside. He couldn’t see that I was squirming inside like a child tied down to this wildly uncomfortable seat called uncertainty. I didn’t allow him to see it. These things he had done… things he was doing to me.

 

Two months before he left… Seeing him had become natural. We would go out for lunch dates or watch a movie at the cinemas or play a few tennis matches or just kiss to our hearts content whenever I would go over to his house. He would never go beyond that. He was, in every sense of the word, a gentleman. And he literally was a gentle man. I’d do anything he asked without a hesitant or doubtful thought. I guess I had resigned to the fact that while this would come to a crashing halt soon, there was nothing to do but enjoy the sweet memories we were gathering together. Maybe, just maybe, our story would have a happy ending somewhere along the way.

One month before he left… He came to me with a gift one night. It wasn’t anything fancy. It wasn’t a huge splurge to express some insurmountable form of affection he had. It was small. Simple. Thoughtful. A lovely little neck ornament that he had gotten during a previous trip he had been on. I loved it immediately he handed it to me. He had sprayed a little of his addictive cologne on it. That slight hint of masculinity, fresh scent of energy and laced deeply with undertones of sensuality. I knew wearing it could very well inadvertently focus my thoughts on him every second of every day. It was a bad idea to take it. Why did I want another reminder of this ludicrously amazing man?

Then he took my hands. He flipped the face of the ornament to its other side. I felt my heart drop to the bottom of my stomach. I could feel my body shake, my hands quivering a little as I read the small engraved letters and symbol on the ornament. *** I ❤ U ***. I looked up at his face. His wonderfully perfect smiling face was beaming down at me. He silently whispered, “I Love You”.

I let it sink in. Slowly. He loved me? Was he fucking serious? Now he tells me? But he had said it… He had said it out loud… He had told me to my face… He. Loved. Me. And with a sigh filled with a myriad of emotions, I took him into my open arms. I silently whispered into his ears choking back a tiny whimper of joy and said ” I Love You Too “.

I couldn’t help but wonder what would happen next though…

Everyday Is A Great Day

I love that little statement. I first heard it on Mark E Miller’s YouTube channel. He called out to his boyfriend Ethan and said, “Yo, Ethan, it’s gonna be a great day and do you know why?” I half-expected some answer like “Because we are getting a new car.” Or “Because we are going on a road trip,” or “Because we’re chilling together all day today.” But then Ethan said, “Because everyday is a great day.”

I think I just melted when he said that. It wasn’t all that extraordinary or mind-blowing. It was just… like you know that moment when someone says something so small and simple-sounding and but actually carries a lot of weight? That’s what I got from it. It was such a tiny little beautiful thing to say and even I started to say it time and again. My family thought I was just being a little weird but then they kinda got into it too after a while.

Mark recently posted a video explaining why he always says that at the beginning of all his other videos and I thought it was pretty relatable. It made me think about just how grateful I am to be who I am, to be where I am at this moment in time, with all the amazing people in my life that surround me. But just because I tell myself that everyday is a great day in my head, doesn’t mean that everyday will feel like sunshine, rainbows and My Little Ponies. It’s not always going to be easy or fun or a ball of positivism.

There are always going to be days that you feel like a shit-storm of problems just happens to be pounding you from every single direction. It sucks, but that’s life. We just have to live and learn and laugh about it in the end. I know for a fact that we do create our own happiness through how we choose to act or react and the attitude with which we take on everything that comes our way. That’s why I choose to live my life like everyday is my last day. Like every breath I take is my last one  instead of trying to be so focused on the little things… The little things should never be exaggerated into a big deal in your life. It doesn’t matter. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Just have a party with your life.

I say this all the time but I never get tired of saying it, I don’t want to look back on my life in my death bed and wish I had done way more with it. That I’d eaten more ice-cream and chocolate instead of torturing myself everyday with some lousy 0% fat diet. That I had spent more time with my family and close friends rather than working 10-12 hours a day because of the stress of putting food on the table. I’ll make sure my kids will know me as an amazing father that took them to school everyday, had dinner with them every night, tucked them in and kept them safe by scaring the little monsters away. That I will always be with them through the great and not-so-great moments in their lives. I won’t let money or time influence my decision to take a vacation, whether it’s a weekend or a month off, in some amazing exotic destination whether locally or internationally. I refuse to be disappointed with the dash in between the day I was born and the day I die.

And that’s why I love that statement. That everyday really is a great day. It really is when, in Kris Allen’s words, you live like your dying.

p.s I do not own rights to the media put up on this blog, it is only for illustration purposes. Media was picked from www.nydailynews.com, www.tourdefit.com, markplusethan.tumblr.com, theithacan.org .

The Pain Runs Deep

He was with another man tonight. That’s what he told me. That he was out, having fun, partying, drinking… with this other man. Why does it bother me? Why should it bother me? He isn’t mine. He never was. He never will be. So why is the fact that he was in another man’s arms make me want to puke. Why does the fact that he looked at this man the same way he looked at me once before making me want to tear his eyes out? Why in the hell does his tipsy smile keep popping into my head, that tipsy smile he always had before he leaned in to kiss me… softly… sweetly… slowly… I hate him so much right now. He doesn’t know that it hurts to tell me. He isn’t mine. I know that. But it still hurts when I see him happy with that nice-looking guy he is arm-in-arm with at dinner or laughing with in that movie theatre.

He doesn’t regret that I am not that man lying next to him in bed when the sun comes up. He isn’t fazed that I am not the one sitting across from him at that diner where we first met and like to visit on occasion. He is fine with the fact that I am not his little sweetheart walking through the park in the light of the stars and the full moon tonight while holding hands. And it kills me. I could have had him. He could have been mine. I could be that man right now. That could be me. That should be me. I deserve him. After being there for him through everything he had going on. After proving to him I can make him happy for a lifetime. I made him smile and laugh after all the pain he had gone through before. I made him feel safe in my arms when he felt all alone. We talked for hours and hours about nothing and everything, making fun about the little things that happened in our days away from each other. I made him feel loved. And I fell in love.

Why did I let him in? Why did I let him pull the curtains away and leave me naked and bare for him to see? He knows me… he knows every little part of me… I let him in… and now, there is no turning back. He has me. He knows he has me. But all he can give me is half of him. Half of everything I have ever given to him. Half of him will never be enough. And maybe he realizes that. Maybe he sees that and wants to play around with me like I am his little toy. Pulling me in, making me want him, making me beg for his affection, making me crave his touch, his voice, his lips moving through my body from my face to my lips to my chest… all the way down my body… held in his arms where I know I can’t get burned by him.

Then, just as he pulls me in, he drops me like I am nothing. Like I mean nothing to him. I guess that’s what I really am. Nothing at all. He doesn’t need me to survive. And that’s why he can go out and have his fun. He can have all his fun with this other man. This other man that’s stolen him away from me. Even if I deserve him. Even if I want him and need him. Even if I miss him… and even if I love him. But I can’t have him. And I have to be ok with that. I chose to go down this road. I broke my walls down for him. I am to blame for this emptiness. This void that he has left me feeling where my heart used to be. I can only blame myself for a heart that was crushed into a thousand little pieces.

So here I am… Living. No. Existing. Because life isn’t life without him.

P.S. I have no rights to the media shown in this blog, they are plainly meant for illustration purposes. Media is gotten from pinterest.com, thenarcissisticanthropologist.com, etc.

Musical Obsessions

I know I haven’t posted this segment in a while. I guess I never really had anything I was obsessed with until this month and primarily this past week. So… Here goes nothing…

Picture courtesy of en.wikipedia.org

Maroon 5 have never really entirely captured my heart when it comes to all their music. I mean, save for some of my favorites which happen to be loved by everyone, I can’t say I have loved or even liked an entire album of theirs for that matter. That is, until V came out. Their not -so-recently released album was something I probably prejudged even before listening to it. Even with their hit single Maps going crazy over the radio- which I should mention is one of my favorite songs of 2014- I still refused to believe they had cheated anyone into loving their album. Imagine my shock and pompous ass feeling when I listened to it and then listened to it again and then again and again and again and… Well, you get the picture. Maroon 5, I may not be a musical genius or well-acclaimed critic, but you have done beyond right by my individual standards. My personal favorites of this album include Maps, Animals, Unkiss Me, New Love and In Your Pocket.

Picture courtesy of en.wikipedia.org

One of my all time favorite bands, if not my favorite band at the moment, is The Script. Regardless of whatever they come out with, I am always taken away by it. They have a beautiful and simple approach to their lyrics that completely drives every single message home. Maybe that’s why I like them so much. They aren’t complicating things much. They’re just three guys that love to make music and affect people through it all. They are probably the only constant band I have listened to for the past four years or so since I was introduced to them by a friend in high school. Their Science and Faith album is probably their best all round album. I loved every single second of it. Their new album has quite a pop feel to it but still stays true to its rock-star roots which I absolutely love. Some of my personal favorites are Hail Or Sunshine, Paint The Town Green, Without Those Songs, Superheroes, The Energy Never Dies and Never Seen Anything Quite Like You. I know those are quite a few. But this album is quite something too.

Picture courtesy of itunes.apple.com

I am sure I have written about them before, but they deserve a lot more recognition for creating amazing music end on end. Whether it’s an amazingly arranged cover of a song or one of their original songs that promises to get you bobbing your head, The Pentatonix seem to have found their rhythm and are slowly taking over the airwaves. Because they are such a unique group of individuals, they attract all kinds of attention, from crazy acclamations to negative put-downs. All I know is, this group is just getting started and their third extended play album is a testament to that. Grab it whenever you can, it’s on sale on Itunes. Here are some of my favorites; Papaoutai (an amazing cover, which they collaborate on with Lindsey Sterling, an epic violinist), On My Way (A brilliant original and one of my favorites from them) and La La Latch (Brilliantly fresh mashup cover of Sam Smith’s Latch and La La La featuring Disclosure and Naughty Boy).

Picture courtesy of arianagrande.wikia.com

Ariana Grande is probably one of the only current bridges to that old sweet sensual classy vibe from the 90s right now in terms of musicality, prowess and all out massive presence. She is, in word, AMAZING. And yes, she may sound very similar to Mariah Carey, but she is far from that. Heck, she could be better and she is only in her twenties with a heck of a career ahead of her. With her first album dropping down like a pack of hot cakes in the music industry back in 2013 while touching the hearts of thousands of people across the world, this mini diva songstress is set to take over the music world as well. With her not-so- recently released second album, My Everything, featuring lots of amazing artists including Iggy Azalea, Childish Gambino, Big Sean and Zedd, I have to point out it didn’t strike me as better than her first, even if the hit singles were, to be redundant, hits. But I did love it either way especially since it’s got some crazy tracks on it and a little for everyone to like. My favorites were definitely Problem, Best Mistake, One Last Time, Hands On Me and Break Free.

Picture courtesy of http://www.poxteer.com

Have an awesome musical weekend. Love you, readers.  XOXO. 🙂

Ride Or Die…

  Photo courtesy of http://www.celebuzz.buzznet.com

I don’t think I have ever mentioned a best friend in my blog. Well, I guess you could say that that’s because I’ve never really had one. Or rather, one that’s stayed with me through and through. You know, that guy that’s going to bitch to you, bitch with you, fight with you, fight you, shove you around, annoy you, make you want to strangle them… the works… and you still love them anyway because your life is just made by them? Yeah. That guy. Never had one of those. I think I might have been desperate enough to pop into Nakumatt ( Which is our equivalent of Wal-Mart or Tesco) and demand I get one.Or not. Nada. Nope. I lie. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

However, I did start to feel like a bit of a bff-deprived puppy and got to wondering why I have never really established a deeply seated friendship with any of my friends. It was always a bit strained. Detached. I never really jelled with anyone enough to call one an actual best friend for life kinda guy. I don’t know. There really was no actual reason behind it all. I guess I just hadn’t found “The Chosen One”. I figured he would pop up out of nowhere like they do in the movies. Have that *I hate you-You hate me” vibe that’s always portrayed in that first meet up. And then, like a cliche driven debacle, end up being the Matt Damon and Ben Affleck of bromances. Naive, right? But then it happened to me.

I don’t really pay attention to who I add on Facebook as a friend anymore as long as we have at least twenty mutual friends. I figure you’re a decent enough person and always say hey after adding. That’s how *Tyler and I first met. Through Facebook. It was completely random. He had sent me a request not really knowing if I would actually add him. I did. Eventually. He was shocked I had. I was amused by it all. Apparently people like me were never expected to add the common “Mwananchi” which is “Ordinary People” let alone hold a conversation with them. I for one found that a little silly and funny and went on to humor this interesting individual and figured I would get to see where it led. To be honest, I didn’t really think much of him. I prejudged our connection in the beginning nonchalantly as something that would die off eventually. And after our gruelingly one-sided and grudgingly long first meet up, I was pretty sure we weren’t going to be the best of friends per sey.

Our first meet up… Ha. He will kill me when he reads this. You see, I assess someone almost immediately during the first few minutes of meeting them. I think it’s pretty much a universal thing individuals do when they first meet. Sizing each other up, trying to figure out the person in front of them. I’d arranged to meet Tyler at one of my favorite cafes one evening after a sports training session. I later skipped the training session, feeling I would be late to the meetup. One thing I hate is being late to meet someone. The other thing I hate is if the other party is late. It irritates me. I have a way of masking my displeasure at tardiness, but I let it slip once in a while.

         photo courtesy of http://www.theberry.com

Now, Tyler wasn’t just late to our little coffee date. He was an hour and a half late. Thank God for my patience or I would have probably left and not talked to him after that little escapade. He tried explaining that he had gotten stuck in traffic. I played it off like it really wasn’t that serious, that I didn’t really care. Lie. It was. And I cared. I just didn’t have it in me to be annoyed after waiting so long. But as the evening went along, he suddenly turned out to be a pretty cool guy. Funny. Sweet. Open. Slightly nervous. I felt like I may have intimidated him a little. Those first twenty minutes with him were actually quite nicely chilled.

It was then that one of my friends, that I had forgotten I was to meet at the same place two hours later from our planned date with Tyler, showed up. And I, being the quick thinker, decided we may as well have a threesome- and not the great kind. I didn’t want to cut our meeting with him -Tyler- short and neither did I want to leave my punctual friend high and dry. I thought I would just handle a three way conversation and make this a splendid enough meet-up. Somehow.Now, quick piece of advice. Never… Ever… try and drive a three way conversation between complete strangers unless your Ellen Degeneres. It was probably the most awkward time in my entire life. Weirdly long silences when I tried to think of cool topics here and there. Shifted glances from side to side wondering what I had dragged them into. Low murmurs of discomfort. The odd attempts at using our cell phones as temporary distractions. It was a bloody nightmare. I was so happy to leave about half an hour later with Tyler whom I dropped off on my way home.

Looking back, I don’t know why I apologized so much for the awkward period of time we spent together but I must have apologized quite a few times. It was his fault for coming late though. Served him right. But then again, I realized he was still quite a decent chap. And I had slowly evolved a bit of a soft spot for him. I could tell he had something. I wasn’t sure what. But he had something I wanted to keep around me for a long time. Then it clicked. That abundant warmth a very genuine and open and free spirited individual held. I hadn’t felt it in a long time. And it captured my very essence. He was certainly what I liked to call Cool Peoples***. And I surprisingly couldn’t wait to see him again.

Two months, hundreds of calls, thousands of texts, lots of random meetups and coffee dates and hangouts later… I have found my best friend. Tyler is everything that embodies an amazing friend. He has my back just as much as I have his. He is self-less, caring, gentle but assertive. I wonder sometimes what programming his brain has been put under. He makes me smile and laugh even when I don’t want to. I’ve never been more open and comfortable with anyone else in my life apart from one or two people in the way that I am with him. I know at the end of the day I can trust him with my life. From being my business partner to my psychotherapist to my problem-handler to my cheerleader to my stepping stone on so many different aspects of my life that I encounter… I’ve never been more grateful for the gift of a friend before. I know it may sound preemptive or childish, but he really is my BFFL- Best Friend For Life. And I wouldn’t give him up for the world. I mean, who else would I call my ride or die?

   Photo courtesy of http://www.thehollywoodgossip.com

My Stupid Insecurity…

                                                              picture courtesy of shutterstock.com

Have you ever imagined a life without the man/woman of your life with you? Have you ever imagined a world devoid of that beautiful face you see in your dreams and love to wake up to every day beside you in bed or dine with at that cute little cafe where you first met? Have you ever felt so insanely insecure… so afraid… so… lost… on things you feel you can’t control… Like that painfully endless void feeling you get when he/she is gone? That longing, yearning, nauseous feeling you get when you’ve stayed away from them for about a day or two but it feels like an eternity has passed?

I have been feeling so weird lately. I don’t understand it at all. Its the first time I have felt like this for anyone. I am not used to obsessively thinking about where my other half is, how he is doing, what he is doing, what he will do next. What he is thinking, what he is feeling, who he is with right now- wishing it was me instead, whether he is thinking about me when he is at work, or when he is chilling at home or out with his friends…

                                                            picture courtesy of shutterstock.com

What’s wrong with me? Is this normal? I just don’t understand it. And I hate it. I hate this slice of discomfort I get when I don’t feel him close to me, when his crisp masculine scent left off on a piece of clothing I have reminds me of that passed blissful moment shared together. Am I going mad or am I just madly in love? Are these the feelings I have to live with for the better future because I feel like I could kill myself with all these things weighing me down in my mind.

Quick sidetrack- I love my honest friends. They have a way of making the truth hit home even when its scathingly true. Maybe that’s why I appreciate them so much.

It didn’t come as too much of a surprise then when recently one of my good ol’ wise friend realized I had kinda blocked off a little and asked me about it, concerned at my social aloofness. When I explained what I was going through, he took a seat down and quite literally got real with me about my wide scope of insecurities as pertains to the man in my life. And as much as it wasn’t meant to bruise me, the truth hurt a little… The fact that I was very close to being “untrustworthy” with my boyfriend. That I was being completely selfish in my thinking. That I had to let him be in the same way he had let me be. That I just had to live my life and find a way to get over myself. To realize what I was staring at right in front of me in the mirror, could one day ruin the greatest thing I had ever found in my life if I let it fester inside me, eating me from the inside out and finally exploding in the worst possible way. I had to simply just do me. And let the rest of the world take care of itself. Somehow. Learn to believe in the reality of a beautiful relationship based on trust and genuineness… And true love (As Meh-ish and mushy as that sounds).

                                                           picture courtesy of shutterstock.com

So… I’mma do me… In spite of all these crazy thoughts that try and kick my ass right, left and centre… I’mma do me… And soon learn to move beyond this stupid yet very real insecurity.